Utah.....Brilliant

After catching some sleep the past two nights in the renegade rental car, we took a night near Grand Junction at a hotel. It ate up the last of the credit card. We watched the Rockies. Pity they lost, but watching Josh Beckett is amazing. Rockies have a chance of surprising but I wouldn't bet that way.

My sister called me on the cell phone last night at 3:00 A.M. For some reason I left it on and laying on the other bed in the motel room. God bless her. And God bless my mother. They'll both be fine. I guess I should have disappeared for a few months years ago. Twenty-twenty hindsight, huh? She understands, I think, how important I was to the whole equation. Ah, too little too late. I'm tempted to check out the old house tonight. Down to my last hundred so I may as well blow into Denver.

You know I've had a good run. Lot of great moments with the City, playing poker, dating. Had some shots at online poker. The booze always got in the way, with poker and the City. But, leaving the job was the final nail in the coffin. I had a shot in early April to turn it around. Get help, dry out, straighten out. I passed. As long as I can get some money the lure of poker beckoned. So it goes.

It was all part of the plan though wasn't it? Lose money, discard the job, suicide. It's about the pain of living. The lack of courage to go on. Coward? Most definitely. But, yet, if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. I've lived to see the Rockies play in a World Series. I've been wanting to die for twenty years or more. The plan is working. LOL.

Anonymousbuyer, alas, is a terrible friend. He finds it nigh impossible to ask for help from frat buddies, college buddies, etc. It would just prolong the pain of living. Grace, my sister, be strong as I am unable. Good luck. I may see tonight's game 2. Unfortunately, just as the Rockies were locks againt Philly and Arizona, the Sox are locks against the Rockies. I hope I'm wrong.

Nevada State Highway 50

Well, we drove almost one thousand miles in the last day. Southern Oregon to eastern Nevada. Highway 50 is the shorter way to Colorado if you're heading towards Denver. And it is desolate. They call it the "Loneliest Road in America", or something like that. We find a brilliant beauty in all that desolation, literally a straight ribbon of road stretching out before you. Interrupted by the occasional pass. Guess we can make it back to Denver, but it will be close. Down to our last couple hundred. Yet ending the enterprise, careening off into some abyss, still beckons like a siren's call. It's sad to comtemplate such a fate. I've really screwed things up mightily. Still, though, there is hope....

It's been a blast (I think)

Thanks much to everyone. The Pacific coast is lovely this time of year.

California

One is struck by the agriculture. These lush plots of green who knows what. You see some crops being picked by crews of migrants. Spinach, lettuce, avacado orchards. Just quite beautiful to see. Then one is reminded of the immigration debate. The US through salutary neglect allowed all these folks into the country. And the crops have to be picked. Other work has to be done. And now we are letting the Mexican trucking industry have carte blanche. Let's get real. It's all part of the strategy towards a North American Union, ala, the EU. No one talks about it but it's a fait accompli. Houses are a riot. Stuff in Denver going for 300K at most is listing for twice that in California. I could have found some cheap rental stuff, though, and enjoyed a few years.

I'm also struck by how clean the highways are. And the courtesy of drivers. As I've occasionally lurched from one lane to another while taking a swig of Highland Stag scotch whiskey, no one has been discourteous. I suppose I might be able to buy some time with credit cards. But I don't know. The time is winding down. I've blown too much money. I don't know what I would do if I came back to Denver. No where to go. I wouldn't impose. Let's make a clean break. I've disappeared--probably what I've always wanted. No burdens, seemingly. Well, I've got to go. Great to find a FedEx in Santa Maria for 20 cents a minute. Holiday Inn Expresses have terminals for free when they can found.

Floating around CA 101

Ah, we headed back north yesterday. Just can't seem to turn the old car back in. The PCH can be pretty jammed up on a Sunday. Stayed at a lovely motel called Skyview off the 101 after you get off the 154, near Santa Barbara, which is a pass over the Santa Ynez. I think that's where Reagan had his ranch all those years. Lovely motel. Great bed and exquisite sheets. And the same price as some retched Motel 6! Pity I'm running out of resources otherwise would have stayed several days. We saw some good spots on the Santa Ynez to take a driving plunge. It's a terrible thing to contemplate one's own demise. But I'm just not up to coming back and facing the music. There's also little to come back to. I wouldn't put my situation into anyone's hands--even folks I felt were good friends. Everyone has there own life to lead. It's up to me to figure this life thing out. And if I don't, well, so be it. So much money blown at poker. Finally threw my job away. Life goes on. Like Orson Welles in "The Third Man", we are just little dots and what does it matter. I'll miss Kitty, though. I wonder what she is up to these days? Am I a coward and all those other things? Let others make those judgements. In a sense we've gotten to exactly where we aimed for. Suicide. All those radio commercials about drinking and driving--I'm too good at it. Stay in your lane and watch for the Highway Patrol. I like to toast them as they fly past me, or vice versa. Vegas last summer was a fluke. I guess in the final analysis I'm a coward, a scofflaw, a real piece of shit. But I can't cope with no money and no prospects. An aside: How about those folks in the FEMA trailers reeking of formaldahyde who also have toys with lead paint from China? Who the hell licks their toys anyway? Shouldn't parents teach their kids not to lick their toys? How did I survive being born in 1959 with all the lead paint, with the lack of bicycle helmuts? It boggles the mind. I had thought that once or twice I had done a good bid for the City. But I now realize that was ridiculous. I was a terrible employee who occasionally earned his keep. A good buyer but a terrible employee. I've passed all 4 modules. Any chance of getting a posthumous C.P.M.? A drop from the Santa Ynez beckons. Good luck, Grace. Nothing personal--it's just about me. I just wasn't up to conquering poker and booze. So it goes.......

Scotch-drenched on the 101

We are back in San Luis Obispo, having scooted down the 101 from Watsonville. Passed out in the car at a Kinkos. Darned vodka and xanax. We have several more hours to drive towards LA. Wonder if we have some flexibility with a couple credit cards we've never used? Occasionally, the fifth of vodka/scotch gets to me and it's scary. Mostly, though, we throttle back and are fine after a good night's sleep. Is the house now gone? Or is there more process in the foreclosure? Have lost interest in my belongings. Haven't even listened to my i-pod on this trip. O, well. Do we have the will to follow through and shuffle off this mortal coil? I don't know. Mother will be fine now. My sister will struggle through. As it turns out, and as I always sorta knew, I am the weakest. No will to live or persevere (endeavor to persever!) LOL. Funny how life can go. Too much to deal with and face. Too hard to start over. It's been a good run, as 47 year runs go. How many can say they finished a 26.2 mile footrace in 4 hours 4 minutes? And also seen the Parthenon in Athens, Greece. And ancient Ephesos. And a few other Greek isles. Madrid, London, Nerja in the south of Spain. Ah, that lovely suite in Nerja that hung over the Mediterranean, the surf pounding the rocks. Just lovely to recall. Alexander never got back to Macedonia. He was on an open-jawed tour of conquest. And died before he had to make it all work.

Patrick J. Buchanan

Someone whom I shall dearly miss reading. A columnist with a sense of history and just plain common sense and logic. I think of him as a worthy successor to Mr. Buckley.

http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=22186