Floating around CA 101

Ah, we headed back north yesterday. Just can't seem to turn the old car back in. The PCH can be pretty jammed up on a Sunday. Stayed at a lovely motel called Skyview off the 101 after you get off the 154, near Santa Barbara, which is a pass over the Santa Ynez. I think that's where Reagan had his ranch all those years. Lovely motel. Great bed and exquisite sheets. And the same price as some retched Motel 6! Pity I'm running out of resources otherwise would have stayed several days. We saw some good spots on the Santa Ynez to take a driving plunge. It's a terrible thing to contemplate one's own demise. But I'm just not up to coming back and facing the music. There's also little to come back to. I wouldn't put my situation into anyone's hands--even folks I felt were good friends. Everyone has there own life to lead. It's up to me to figure this life thing out. And if I don't, well, so be it. So much money blown at poker. Finally threw my job away. Life goes on. Like Orson Welles in "The Third Man", we are just little dots and what does it matter. I'll miss Kitty, though. I wonder what she is up to these days? Am I a coward and all those other things? Let others make those judgements. In a sense we've gotten to exactly where we aimed for. Suicide. All those radio commercials about drinking and driving--I'm too good at it. Stay in your lane and watch for the Highway Patrol. I like to toast them as they fly past me, or vice versa. Vegas last summer was a fluke. I guess in the final analysis I'm a coward, a scofflaw, a real piece of shit. But I can't cope with no money and no prospects. An aside: How about those folks in the FEMA trailers reeking of formaldahyde who also have toys with lead paint from China? Who the hell licks their toys anyway? Shouldn't parents teach their kids not to lick their toys? How did I survive being born in 1959 with all the lead paint, with the lack of bicycle helmuts? It boggles the mind. I had thought that once or twice I had done a good bid for the City. But I now realize that was ridiculous. I was a terrible employee who occasionally earned his keep. A good buyer but a terrible employee. I've passed all 4 modules. Any chance of getting a posthumous C.P.M.? A drop from the Santa Ynez beckons. Good luck, Grace. Nothing personal--it's just about me. I just wasn't up to conquering poker and booze. So it goes.......